Marriage Advice: Expectations in Marriage

In marriage there are two main types of expectations:

1. practical expectations

2. emotional expectations

We are going to talk about both. Because the truth is, when we are on the same page as far as what we expect from one another, not only is there less fighting, but you are more thankful and grateful for each other. You are able to fall in love with each other even MORE because getting on the same page in this area helps you realize that you aren’t working against each other but WITH each other!

practical expectations

Each of you have your own piece of paper. Make three columns from top to bottom. Listed below are common items that HAVE to be done in marriage and your job is to figure out WHO is going to handle them. That way both of you are on the same page when it comes to who is in charge of what. In the second column, indicate how your parents handled these tasks and then in the third column, write down how YOU want to divide up the tasks. Then compare your list with your partner and discuss the results! :)

emotional expectations

Sometimes we get caught up in believing that this person we are marrying is our everything. That they are responsible for our emotional happiness! But frankly, nothing could be farther from the truth. Marriage is not going to fix your insecurities, in fact, it will intensify them.

This exercise will help both of you to honestly deal with all the psychological and spiritual work you need to do as a person that you can’t look to your significant other to do for you. It will only take about 20 minutes.

For this activity, you are going to reflect on your relationship with your parents/caregivers and write down some of the needs and desires that you felt were never really fulfilled by them. I’ve listed a few categories below but if you have extras, feel free to add them to the list.

The reason we are talking about needs unfilled by our parents is because its fairly common for people to try to recreate love and closeness and nurturing that we did experience or WISH we had experienced from our relationship with our parents.

But truthfully, no human will ever meet another person’s need; deep relational longings are ultimately met only in our relationship with our Creator.

After you are done with this activity, if you are willing, share your writings with your partner and discuss the baggage you will both be bringing into this marriage.

1. What are your unfulfilled needs for Encouragement? (example: my parents always treated my strengths as if they were flaws just because they were different from theirs).

2. What are your unfulfilled needs for Praise? (example: my parents always gave compliments but they weren’t the type of compliments I wanted to hear (focused on beauty instead of things that I deemed important).

3. What are your unfulfilled needs for Listening? (example: I never felt like I was truly understood by my parents or siblings).

4. What are your unfulfilled needs for Fun? (example: my parents often thought I wasn’t serious enough and needed to be more goal oriented).

5. What are your other unfulfilled needs?

   *this exercise was modified and adapted from Saving your Marriage before it Starts by Dr. Les and Leslie Parrot