Marriage Advice: How to Minimize Fighting in your Relationship!
Here’s a bit of marriage advice. You will fight! It’s a fact. It doesn’t matter if it’s a marriage, a parenting relationship, a friendship, or your relationship with your dog. YOU. WILL. HAVE. FIGHTS! But sometimes, fights are unnecessary and are 100% preventable! So while we can’t totally eliminate fighting from relationships, we CAN minimize fighting in relationships… It all comes down to communication!
acknowledge your unspoken rules
We all our own set of rules. How we believe things should be done in a certain way. Some things are small, like, how we load the dishwasher, or what temperature the thermostat should be set at in the winter! But some things are big! And if they aren’t discussed they can lead to BIG fights! Things like, how we divide up holidays with each family or how much money should we actually spend on _____________ every single month. And with this activity it is my goal to make each of you more self-aware of these unspoken rules that you are bringing into your relationship!
I want you and your spouse to do this activity together. It will only take like 15 minutes. Each of you get your own piece of paper and a pen. No peeking at each other’s answers! What we are going to do is try to find some of our unspoken rules, our hidden expectations, that we grew up with. Take some time to think each of these over! For each category below, come up with at least two different rules you believe about this topic.
TOPIC #1: RULES ABOUT MONEY, FINANCES, BUDGETING, DEBT (EX: CREDIT CARDS ARE NEVER TO BE USED)
1.)
2.)
TOPIC #2: RULES ABOUT MEALS (EX: DINNER SHOULD ALWAYS BE EATEN TOGETHER)
1.)
2.)
TOPIC #3: RULES ABOUT HOUSEHOLD CHORES/RESPONSIBILITIES (EX: DO YOU PUT DISHES IN SINK AFTER DONE OR STRAIGHT INTO DISHWASHER?)
1.)
2.)
TOPIC #4: RULES ABOUT TRADITIONS/HOLIDAYS/VACATIONS (EX: OPEN PRESENTS ON CHRISTMAS EVE OR CHRISTMAS MORNING?)
1.)
2.)
TOPIC #5: OTHER WEIRD RULES (EX: STICK OF BUTTER GOES ON THE COUNTER OR IN THE FRIDGE?)
1.)
2.)
Once you’ve both finished your answers, take some time to share them with each other. You might experience an ah-ha moment like, “oh that’s why she always gets mad when I do xyz.” Now, answer these questions together:
What surprises you about your partners rules?
Do any of them cause you to immediately get defensive?
The more you talk about these unspoken rules, the less likely you are to fight about them. So while this conversation might not be super fun, know that it is actually prevented 500 “not fun” conversations from being in your future.
Adapted & Modified from an activity in the book: “Saving Marriage Before It Starts” by Dr. Les & Leslie Parrot.