Grieving While Parenting
Raise your hand if you’ve ever had to grieve during motherhood? Whether it’s a miscarriage, financial woes, marriage/relationship conflicts, the death of a loved one, a horrible diagnosis, or even burn-out from what the reality of your day to day life looks like, one thing is for sure: IN LIFE YOU WILL EXPERIENCE MANY SEASONS.
There will be super-high highs and super-low lows. And for me 2020 has been one giant LOW! Between different health crises our family has faced, emergent situations, and COVID-19, I’m ready for 2020 to be done!
But, try as I may, there is nothing I can do. All of this is out of my control! And one thing that has been especially difficult is knowing how to grieve when life continues to go on. When my husband goes back to work and I am still in charge of the physical, emotional, psychological and spiritual development of these 3 little human beings. How do I keep parenting when all I want to do is cry?
2020 definitely isn’t my first time navigating parenthood in the midst of grieving. But even 7 years in… I still find managing lows difficult! You feel lost, like your world is crashing all around you and there is absolutely NOTHING you can do about it. You feel hopeless, helpless, angry, and confused. And because of all this stress, sadness and confusion, we have less patience for and are less attentive to the things that matter most to our kids like routine, ritual, reassurance, patience, attention, warmth, guidance, discipline, etc. So, while we feel them, we are pressured to feel like we CAN’T feel them or show them at the risk of harming our kid’s psychological development or causing them emotional stress.
I was praying the other day, telling God that I don’t know how to feel, how to act, or what to do. And he reminded me of some of the tough times that I had to navigate in the past:
Moving to a New State and not knowing one person
Burn-out
Work/Life Balance Issues
Financial Woes
Job Struggles
2 Miscarriages
Marriage Conflict
Healing over Past Trauma
And while everything always turned out okay, and I know it will this time to, that doesn’t really help me know what to do right now. Like at all! So I began to ask myself how I got through those tough times of grieving while being a parent PRACTICALLY! Because the truth is, by you prioritizing and addressing the pain of grief and loss, you ARE actually being the best parent you can be. It’s actually a prerequisite in being able to provide a safe and loving environment.
I analyzed what I found and compiled it into a list of 8 things I’ve found helpful during really-low lows. And now, I’m going to share it with you! Because if there is one thing I know for sure, life never really turns out the way you plan and things change at the drop of a hat!
reflect
For me, I do this through writing and praying. But no matter how you decide to do it, I want you to find time to reflect. Taking the time to reflect on a regular basis will keep you from or help you uncover sabotaging thought patterns.
The best way to do this is to let your experience the negatives FULLY. Yes, being positive is important, but the truth is, you can experience positivity until you’ve walked through the negativity. Locate what hurts the most and then mentally dive into it. That is going to lead you straight to the thoughts that you are having that need to be adjusted or let go.
Sometimes even just acknowledging the emotional energy that you’ve been burying makes you feel so liberated. You no longer begin to identify yourself with that thought or possessed by that thought. But, it cannot be overcome until it is found.
For example, during the COVID-19 pandemic, my business has lost over $60,000 so far, and it’s not even finished. I am the main income provider for my family of 5, but even more stressful than that is that I feel completely and utterly useless! Like my megaphone of changing the world had been taken from me. But that’s because inwardly, I struggle with defining myself by my work.
Maybe during one of those sad moments I turn a show on for my kids and say “screw screen-time recommendations” and do what I need to do in that moment because that really is what’s best for everyone. Because the truth is, me bottling it up and not dealing with it is only going to make me more depressed, anxious and angry and I’m going to be taking it out on whoever is around me which happens to be them. So, it’s best for them and me if I find some time to do this, even if it means breaking my normal rules.
cry
Also, I make sure that whenever I discover the root of the problem and you’ll know when you do. I make sure I have time to vent about it to someone. I have a massive cry sesh! The kind where your eyes get swollen and stay swollen for like 2 days. The kind where you make those hyperventilating noises because you can’t catch your breath.
Whatever you just experienced isn’t fair. And the worst part is, there isn’t anyone to blame for it. A lot of times true tragedies and suffering are a result of the broken world that we live in and blame can’t be placed on any one person. Even though that’s what we try to do. It’s important to acknowledge that. Cry, get anger. Do what you need to do. And know that God is right there with you. He did not cause this pain. As I stated, it is a terrible result of living in a broken world. And seeing you, the human being that he created and loves so much he would die for them (oh wait, HE DID!), completely broken-hearted… BREAKS HIS HEART TOO!
give thanks
This is a hard one. But I don’t believe in assuming the role of victim and staying there. Are you a victim, yes! We’ve all been a victim of life at one point or another. But now it’s time to heal. When your reflection time is over I want you to focus on giving thanks intentionally. Practice gratitude! It’s not going to be easy! But I want you to try to come up with things that are still good.
It could be:
a strength you obtain that you’re thankful for
Something money cannot buy that you have
Whatever is comforting to you during this time
Something that is funny (for real though, right now one of the things I’m thankful for is TikTok)
Something in nature
A Memory
Something interesting
A Challenge you’re grateful for
Something Beautiful
Gratitude isn’t always automatic in real seasons of loss or difficulty! But, that doesn’t mean it’s not there! Take the time to tune into gratitude and thankfulness on a regular basis. Because practicing gratitude will help you fall in love with your life as it is in this moment!
spend time with others
Life was not meant to be lived alone. And while we as a generation have the opportunity to connect with others with the click of a button, I want you to focus on in-person quality time with community.
In his book Love and Survival: The Scientific Basis for the Healing Power of Intimacy cardiologist Dean Ornish says this about the the power of love and connection when it comes to healing/suffering:
“I am not aware of any other factor in medicine — not diet, not smoking, not exercise, not stress, not genetics, not drugs, not surgery — that has a greater impact on our quality of life or incidence of illness.”
Dean Ornish
Isolation is a prison. It breads illness and suffering while community promotes love, laughter, intimacy, and connection. Wherever you find those things… BE THERE! Connecting with others has profound effects on the brain. Just as we cannot succeed alone, we cannot suffer alone. We are meant to live life in community.If you cannot connect in person because of life circumstances (like QUARANTINE)! Have phone conversations regularly, have zoom dates, tell them you are working through something and you just need them to be there.
sleep… or don’t
What I mean by this is… when crap hits the fan people like to do one of two things: sleep all the time, or give up sleep and try to work their way out of it. I am the latter.
During a low season I have to intentionally focus on getting QUALITY sleep so that I can continue to be clear headed, focused, and continue to show up for the other areas of my life, like motherhood.
limit news (or competitor) intake
In the middle grief these two things trigger anxiety and anger: the news (especially in a crises like the coronavirus pandemic) and watching some of my competitors get back to work even though I cannot. Or maybe you’re struggling with fertility. Same thing.
Sure, news updates and the occasional social media scroll is fine. But being constantly fed with gloomy news headlines or comparing our negatives with someone else’s positives are not helpful. There is no need to feel that same stabbing pain 10 times in one hour on 5 different social media platforms.
communicate
If you have a spouse, communicate to them what you are grieving. And continue to communicate it to them throughout the entire process. If you can’t talk about it, write them a letter. My husband knows that during times of grieving, especially during the processing and reflecting phase, he will be picking up the extra slack. And I do the same for him in his seasons of grief. When we know one another is grieving, we are more likely to act in grace and selflessness.
look for the lesson
Nearly all of life’s valuable lessons for me were learned in times of trouble. They were discovered in those seasons where I re-evaluate the meaning of things and what I’ve been attaching my life to.
This single activity is what gives me the power to grow during hard seasons and continues to fuel that growth when it has past. Looking for the lesson takes an event that previously made you feel shame and helplessness and turns it into something that makes it feel powerful and full of purpose.
I will also say, sometimes this is the very last piece to the puzzle of healing. Sometimes it doesn’t happen for years. For example, it took me 18 years to look back at the sexual trauma I experienced as a child and actually be thankful for it. There is NO FRIGGIN’ WAY that was going to happen any sooner than it did. Trust me, I tried.
be patient
The thing about grieving/healing is that it’s not magic. Instead, it comes in waves. You will step in and out of the chaos that is happening and that is okay. Remember, you’re not looking to escape this season, you’re learning to live here for a time. Do what you need to survive. Let the kids watch an extra show, let them play with Play-doh while you go cry even if they make a massive mess, let them have cereal for dinner if the idea of having to come up with dinner will push you over the edge. It’s okay.
therapy
Therapists are gonna be busy for a while helping people process the year that is 2020. And during a time when social distancing is expected, online therapy is an amazing option for helping us process all the emotions and feelings and new normals that this year has presented us with in a way that keeps us physically healthy too. Check them out HERE.
conclusion
These 9 things have gotten me through some seemingly IMPOSSIBLE times in my life, and I know it will help you too! Most of all, remember, this is an opportunity to expand your mind, love harder, be kinder, reflect, praise, discover, heal, rest, re-charge and begin again! You are doing one of the hardest things in this world, parenting through grief! It’s going to be messy, sad, beautiful and so many other things. But ultimately, you are modeling what it is to process emotions in a healthy way! So, keep on keeping on and one day you will wake up and be where everything feels right. Your heart will be calm, your thoughts positive, your soul excited, your vision clear and you will be at peace with what you’ve been through and where you’re going.