Gaining Control when Life is Out of Control
Right now we find ourselves in the middle of the COVID-19 Quarantine and feelings of anxiety, hopelessness, anger, stress, frustration and impatience are EVERYWHERE. And I get it. Whether your an essential worker who is being forced to put your life in danger, someone who is ill with COVID-19, a teacher who feels lost trying to help her students with distant learning, a small business owner who is watching everything you’ve spent your life building fall to shambles, or a working mom who has been forced to attempt working from home while homeschooling your kids and doing #allthethings.
All of us are living a real-life nightmare right now. So, if you’re anxiety has spiked, you are not alone. We’re all living in this extreme uncertainty as we face a global health crises, a financial crisis, distance learning, and an anxious environment all while adhering to social-isolation measures at home. We are struggling in ways we’ve never had to before.
We all have anxiety right now—and for very good reason. But it’s important to note that anxiety itself isn’t dysfunctional. In fact, its a very important response mechanism to a perceived threat. Kind of like when an animal is running away from a predator. However, too much or too little actually hinder our ability to function well.
So, when it comes to anxiety, to our attempt at gaining control when life is out of control, there are some things we can do to keep that anxiety in its appropriate place.
too much pressure
Before we jump into the practical help, I want you to hear a bit about how I’m feeling in this season. If you aren’t interested in this portion, please feel free to skip ahead to the practical help.
There's not a lot about my world that I can control right now. One minute I am totally calm, knowing that my hope, my worth, and my future doesn't rest in my finances, my business, etc. But then other times I'm overwhelmed and frantic. My heart beats fast, my breathing gets shallow, my chest begins to hurt. The amount of times I've had panic attacks, fuming rants, sobbing prayers, incredible joy, and straight up fear over the last few weeks is innumerable. But the hard part is, unlike other times in my life when I could just sit in that season, to sit and experience the pain and allow myself to grieve and heal. I feel like I can’t do that right now.
AS A BUSINESS OWNER
As a business owner I feel completely lost. My business is all about challenging others to grow. I’m all about “positive vibes” and spreading truth. But at the same time, I feel like If I act happy and positive, i’m being fake. What I want to do is scream. What I want to do is beg for help. What I want to do is vent about the unfairness of not just this situation but the rules being placed upon business. There is so much I want to say… but I can’t.
I feel like I have to keep showing up and helping my audience. I have so many brides that this is affecting and I have to be there for them to help them find the best solution that works for them, change contracts, work out payment issues, etc.
Also, as a non-essential business, I am unable to work. But as my family’s primary source of income, I feel like I must do something. Every single day I’m analyzing all the ways I could possibly make income right now. I need to sell gift cards, my online photography course, print sales, etc. so that I can help my family financially.
AS A MOM
As a mom, I feel incredible pressure to help my perfectionist child with sensory processing disorder who struggles with anxiety learn that it’s okay when plans change. That making mistakes and making messes are some of the best ways we learn. But at the same time getting feeling like a failure because she is so strong-willed that she doesn’t want help.
I feel pressure to “enjoy my kids in this moment” and make the best out of this time with my kids since I will never get it back. I feel pressure to somehow find that perfect balance of homeschool, working my business, taking care of my house, exercising, do all the good things a Christian does and to make sure I’m doing the same for my kids.
AS A CHRISTIAN
As a Christian, I feel pressured to offer nothing but hope and positivity to the world. To exercise “mind over matter” and simply will myself to move past this. To suck it up, do what I can in this moment and move on. And hear me when I say that I KNOW my hope doesn’t depend on anything this earth has to offer (power, financial status, social status, etc.). But acknowledging the pain that you are experiencing and evening allowing to to influence how you feel and act DOES NOT mean that you don’t have hope! In the fact, Jesus, an incredible human being, and what I believe to be God himself, wept in front of his friends & disciples, at the death of Lazarus even though he knew he was about to resurrect him.
Like you, my heart has been full of anxiety…
So, I wanted to share with you the 5 things I've been doing when it comes to gaining control when life is out of control:
#1- Write
I’ve been writing. Like, A LOT! I’ve been writing articles to get published. Blog posts for my business. Helpful guides for other photographers. Letters to my children. Prayers to God.
I write because I don’t know what I’m thinking until I read what I say. Writing helps me say what I am otherwise unable to say. Most of the time when I sit down to write, I don’t even know what I’m going to say. But the minute my pen hits the paper or my fingers hit the keys, the words starting flowing. Writing is something I began to practice around age 12 when I experienced trauma. I discovered that as I poured out my pain, courage and strength was born.
#2- Distract
You know when your kid is baby and they start to go after the dog food (AGAIN!) so you distract them. Yeah, I’ve been playing this same game with myself (mentally). Sometimes the moments get to be too much. So I distract myself. Some of my favorite ways to do this are to watch some shows on Netflix, redecorate a room, purge my home and find stuff to sell, or read a book. But, most recently, its been TikTok! A few weeks before all of this COVID-19 stuff started happening I downloaded TikTok thanks to my best friend. Sometimes me and my hubby just lay there and watch hilarious videos together. Sometimes we learn the dances and have fun making up our own TikTok videos. Other times, we laugh so hard we literally cry. Either way, TikTok has helped lighten my mood right now.
#3- Educate
I know that some people get MORE anxious when checking on the news. But I actually feel LESS anxious. I don’t know if you’ve taken the enneagram test, but, I’m a 5 (a.k.a. “The Investigator”). The more knowledge I possess about a topic the more I feel in control. Fives want to find out why things are the way they are. They want to understand how the world works. They are always searching, asking questions, and delving into things in depth. They do not accept received opinions and doctrines, feeling a strong need to test the truth of most assumptions for themselves. So, in this moment, I’ve been doing a lot of study on psychology, stress, our brain, political decisions that are being made, and, of course, COVID-19.
#4- Help Others
During this time I've done my best to try and help others! I’ve offered advice to brides, activities to do to stay sane, indoor activities to do with your kids, and a blog about how to PRODUCTIVELY work from home with kids. I filmed a free photography class for moms to watch so they can take their own photos during this crazy time. I've posted "essential worker" posts on Facebook to try and focus on the hard things that others are dealing with instead of just myself. Trying to find a way to uplift my community has helped.
#5- Rest
I am more mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted than I have been in a long time. Watching the business I worked so hard to build fall apart before my eyes is draining. Homeschooling kids and figuring out a new normal is draining. This stress has made sleep very difficult for me. But either way, I'm doing my best to prioritize rest because I know that real rest can help me change my perspective and renew my energy.
#6- Plan
I’m a big picture thinker. Typically my calendar is booked 12-18 months out and I like being able to look down on my business like that. To be able to see what’s going to happen when so that I know when I can make the best decisions for my family. Obviously, all of that has gone out the window.
So, one of the best coping mechanisms is to see what relevant changes I can make.
Where can I get food to feed my family?
How can I make money during this time?
Given that I cannot visit aging family members, what is the best way to stay connected to them?
How do I best go about homeschooling my kids in a way that works for me and them?
Trying to come up with plans for the unknowns helps a bit. For me, I made a schedule for homeschooling. We have a discipline chart we are following. I have applications in for financial help for my business. I’ve come up with a plan based on the decisions brides make about their weddings. Download some of my free tools here.
#7- Connect
Obviously we aren’t allowed to physically connect with others. But maintaining connections through zoom meetings, facebook lives, instagram stories, phone calls, text conversations or any other methods to safely connect with others during this time, DO IT.
For me and my family, we’ve really enjoyed the app HOUSE PARTY. It’s like zoom but better! You can play fun games with each other, theres no time limit, and everyones face is on one screen! Download it and try it today with some friends and family members, I promise you’ll love it.
Conclusion
This is a trying time for all of us. Be gentle with yourself and others. Practice compassion. Acknowledge that all of us, including yourself are grieving, whether its a loved one, travel plans, celebrations, finances, stability, etc. Practice these self-care, connect with others, and know that we are all going to come out of this with a greater personal strength and resilience than ever before.