Money & Marriage Tips: 6 Money Mindsets to Have in Marriage!

Last week, I asked on Facebook Live what my audience wanted to see from me. What could I offer them during this time of Quarantine related to marriage or motherhood that would be helpful and encouraging. Obviously I will be using all the topics recommended at some point, but today I wanted to address a topic brought up by one of my viewers who said they wanted me to talk about, “Income discrepancies. I read you said you were the primary breadwinner. How do you deal with that, and whether or not issues arrive with "sexist" type things...like the man needs to be the sole provider. How do you deal with this type thing if you do from each other, family, friends whomever?”

I thought this was definitely a good thing to chat about especially since money issues is one of the leading causes of divorce. However, I will admit, I didn’t really think of this as still being a rare issue until I researched it a bit. It turns out that in 2017 only 28% of women made more money than their husbands or cohabiting partners compared to 13% in 1980. Honestly, I thought that number would be higher. I didn’t know this was still such a rare thing.

So, i’m going to pull back the curtain behind me and my husbands financial mindsets that have helped us wade through not just the fact that I make more than him but ALL finances in marriage.

Money Mindset #1-

money doesn’t define your worth

For Chase and I, money has never been our end goal. I didn’t work hard at growing my photography business to try and reach that six-figure level. I worked hard at growing my business because I felt that I should be responsible and use the microphone God has given me to change the world as best as I could. Chase didn’t go to school for his double masters to make more money. He went to get a double masters at a seminary so that he could learn more, grown more, serve our community better with the gifts that he has been given.

Because of that mindset, the fact that I make more money hasn’t really been an issue for us. And as for our families and friends, they’ve at least never said or acted in any way toward us that shows anything other than support. Whether that is because they are well-rounded individuals or just because of the fact that my husband is in ministry and pretty much no one makes less than them, I’m not sure. Ha! But either way, they have always shown nothing but love and support.

Money Mindset #2-

we are one

Chase and I only have joint accounts. Joint checking, joint savings, and joint emergency account and we are the beneficiary’s on each other’s IRA’s. Obviously my business has it’s own account to make things easier as far as bookkeeping goes, but generally, we have a mindset that what’s mine is ours. It all goes back to the fact that we believe when two people marry they enter into a covenant (something bigger than a promise) with one another. We are committing to working and growing together and loving each other through all of life’s ups and downs. And what better way to do that then by learning to handle and budget money EFFECTIVELY together. 😂

Money Mindset #3-

debt-free living

This way of living was taught to me by my dad and we have followed it since day one in our marriage (with the exception of a mortgage). Not to mention that some of the statistics we learned about debt in marriage while preparing for our own was astonishing.

So, we don’t have student loans. We don’t have credit card debt. We don’t live outside of our means. If we don’t have the money to pay for something in cash (including our cars) we don’t purchase it. Choosing to live this way has helped guide us through a lot of financial & life decisions we’ve had to make over the years.

If you have accumulated debt in your marriage, I encourage you to use Dave Ramsey’s Baby Steps as guidelines for paying off debt and building wealth simultaneously.

Money Mindset #4-

Love & Respect

It’s no secret that in marriage sometimes one person things it’s worthwhile to spend money on something while the other person does not. So, Chase and I have an open-communication policy. We try to regularly sit down and chat about short-term goals, long-term goals, dreams, and passions! And we do it in a loving, understanding way that doesn’t disrespect the other person OR their dreams!

For example, when I wanted to purchase my very first camera when my daughter was only 6 months old, he wasn’t thrilled that I wanted to spend thousands of dollars on something I didn’t even know how to do yet. Mind you, he worked at a fast food restaurant, I was a nanny, we had a baby AND he was still finishing his degree.

But when I told him in a respectful way that I totally understood where he was coming from and how scary it is to spend money when you don’t know what tragedy could be around the corner, my mental health needed this.

I was struggling as a stay at home mom. I couldn’t find joy in my day to day life. I spent my days doing mundane activities and going from store to store in our tiny town but unable to spend any money. I was a woman with a bachelors degree, one of the most goal-oriented people on this planet and bored out of my ever-loving mind. Opening up in this honest, open-communication way with him helped us make the decision TOGETHER that purchasing a camera would be best for me, for us. And look where we are now! It’s nuts!

But, because we made that decision together, no resentment towards each other was harbored.

We also had similar conversations when purchasing a home, deciding whether or not to move away from all our family and friends for him to go to school, selecting which townhouse to live in when we did move, weighing whether or not investing in a double masters was a good choice, if a business coach for me once I reached a certain level was necessary, and timing for other big purchases (mac laptop, my minivan, etc.).

Money Mindset #5-

budgeting together

I hate when we have to sit down and go over budget, reviewing the past month and set goals for the new year. Frankly, numbers give me a headache and I hate math more than anything EVER! lol! But, when we created a budget together we are able to converse opening about different things and whether or not we feel as though they are reasonable and fair. And we quite literally assign a name to EVERY SINGLE DOLLAR we will be making. Because if you don’t tell your money where to go, you’ll wonder where it went.

For example, my husband is not a spender, like AT ALL. In fact, he doesn’t like it when I buy him presents for his birthday or Christmas which is difficult since gifts is my love language, lol! So, when I told him our budget needed a “personal spending” category he didn’t really love that idea, especially during the stay-at-home mom years when HE was the ONLY one bringing in money.

And while there is a time and season to deny extra costs (like in the middle of quarantine when you’ve suddenly lost all of your income). But self-care is important too and it’s unrealistic to say that you are NEVER going to treat yourself. Whether it’s seeing a movie with my friends, going to the local coffee shop, or going shopping for new clothes! Fun money must be set aside! At first, the fun money category was like $15 a month for us. So, if one of us wanted something that was $20, we would have to wait for two months until we had the funds. But gradually as income grew, so did that budget.

Even my stingy husband as acknowledged that having a fun money category actually HELPS me to stay on budget because I’m not being unrealistically deprived.

Money Mindset #6-

Self-Awareness

“But we owe it to ourselves.”

“It’s easier to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission.”

“It’s never going to be this cheap again.”

Self-Awareness in ALL things is good but especially when it comes to marriage. Being able to be honest about your personality as a adorable, very convincing, spender is key and it SHOULD affect your decisions! For example, I know that I can give in to the temptation to spend TOO easy!

So, when we do use a credit card (simply because we want to build our credit score) we pay it off every single month and ONLY CHASE HAS ACCESS TO IT. Not because he didn’t want me to have a card. Neither one of us CONTROLS the other’s financial spending but because I turned it down. He didn’t understand why but I told him that I never want to have that never ending balance in my pocket. I never want to use it combined with one of the excuses above to justify spending.

And, Chase being self-aware that he is a bit stingy when it comes to spending ANY money at all. Had to learn to acknowledge that and know when it was the right time to loosen the purse strings and when to stand firm.

So, those are the 6 money mindsets that Chase and I have when it comes to finances in marriage. They’ve been there from the beginning and none of them have fluctuated based on income or who was making more at the time (man OR woman). What are some mindsets you have about money that have brought success in your own marriage?