Making Time for Sex in Marriage
Why is your photographer talking to you about sex? Well… that’s because i’m not just a photographer! I strive to give me clients an experience that challenges them to invest in their marriage, in their parenting and in themselves. I want to keep marriages and families together for the long haul and not just physically together but mentally and emotionally connected too! And when I asked my audience what they struggled prioritizing (marriage or parenting), the overwhelmingly said marriage. Insert my new series of marriage blog posts!
Now, the reason we’re talking about sex is because apparently it’s one of the most common reasons for divorce AND many other problems in marriage. But here’s the deal, I have 3 kids AND I run a full-time photography business while also trying to grow another one! My husband is getting a double masters and also works a full time job! We have obligations with parents and siblings and our church and friendships. There is laundry to be done and dishes to clean! We are busy… so someone please tell me… when am I supposed to make time for sex? ANNNNNNNDDDDDD not to mention the fact that working all day, taking care of kids who use me as a human kleenex, working hard to cook a dinner that 3 kids complain about and cleaning a living room only for it to be destroyed 5 minutes later isn’t exactly a turn-on.
And yet, inevitably, I swear to you my husband has a sixth sense. I kid you not, every single time I change clothes (whether it’s getting ready in the morning or changing into sweats in the evening) I hear my husbands footsteps coming up the stairs. And i’m not going to lie to you, I know that once he glances in our room and sees me… the sex countdown timer begins. And frankly, the thoughts going through my head at this moment have ranged from, “DUDE!!!!! Didn’t we JUST do it?” to “YAY! Why wait til later?”
first things first…
Just because I’m not throwing myself at my husband, begging to have sex EVERY SINGLE SECOND OF EVERY SINGLE DAY in no way means that sex isn’t satisfying or that I don’t want it or need it. To be honest, I like to think that me and my husband are pretty good at being intimate in that way.
Instead, what IS holding me back is this:
lack of time and energy
Can I get an AMEN? I mean… babies not sleeping, grumpy toddlers throwing massive fits, teenage attitudes, busy schedules, practices, appointments, keeping up with everyone’s schedules and frankly just the expectations of day to day life… it leaves us EXHAUSTED! Mentally & Physically! And even though I love my husband and I love having sex with him… I wasn’t always enthusiastic about this sex countdown because it felt like he was taking away my very rare moments of free time!
But the truth is… sex is supposed to be a gift from God to married couples. But why is it a gift? It doesn’t always feel that way…
The reason sex doesn’t feel like a gift is because it is a HUGE endeavor to switch from mommy mode, boss mode, or housekeeper mode, to “lover.”
Especially when the baby is screaming in the next room, my 4 year old won’t stay in bed, the dishes in the sink are full and i’m 90% sure that if my nanny sees I didn’t sweep the floor for one more day she might quit.
Scientific Proof
Study after study has proven that sexual satisfaction and a healthy marriage go hand in hand. As women we’re like, “Duh! If the marriage is good, the sex will be too!” Whereas men think, “Duh! How could a marriage be good without great sex?” Or maybe the roles are reversed in your own marriage.
Either way, before we attack the second point of view, hear this… Oxytocin is this hormone that is released in women’s body’s when they have a baby, sometimes people call it “the bonding hormone.” It helps us feel connected to our baby and EVEN helps us weather the terrible twos and those threenagers years.
The power of oxytocin is what makes a mom believe that her baby is literally the most beautiful and important thing in the entire world. But having a baby isn’t the only way for a woman to get a boost of oxytocin. Studies have shown that this surge of oxytocin also occurs when we have a deep conversation with a friend OR when we receive a massage (with no ulterior motives) from our spouse.
But men… Men and oxytocin are a little bit different. They don’t get oxytocin until after um… orgasm. Which is why they act so much more loving after we have sex with them. P.S. if you haven’t noticed this, go ask your hubby to change a poopy diaper or wash a sink full of dishes after the next time you have sex and be amazed at their eagerness to help.
Understanding how oxytocin plays a role in sex has giving me a new appreciation for sex and more understanding towards my husband and why he seeks it. I mean… what mom doesn’t love the feeling we get when we have our newborn baby sleeping on our chest? What woman doesn’t love the feeling we have when we get done having a deep and amazing conversation with a friend? And if that’s how my husband feels after sex… well… I totally freaking get it.
Now… I know that deciding to have sex with your husband based on this one fact isn’t enough. There are things like body image issues, deep conflict, broken trust, wounds from sexual trauma, physical pain and SO MANY MORE things that keep us from wanting to engage in this form of intimacy with our spouse. And while there isn’t enough time to address each of those here, I can address what I suspect to be one of the most common reasons for not making time for sex in marriage which is…
it’s simply not a priority!
So, as a fellow busy, exhausted, touched-out mama who totally gets it. I’m sharing with you my favorite practical tips that my husband and I have personally used to make time for sex in our own marriage during different seasons of life. Because the truth is, I want your relationship to succeed. And if sex is what’s keeping it from doing that, then I want to be there to offer your help.
Practical Tips to Make Sex Happen
MENTAL SHIFT: First and foremost, figure out if there is a way to make that brain shift from mommy to lover happen quicker. Maybe if you know sex needs to happen soon you can schedule some down time for yourself and fill your own self-care cup that way it doesn’t feel like sex is stealing your free time.
HEADS UP: During the years of no sleep and being a stay at home mom when my children were infants, something my husband and I found helpful was to give a “heads up!” Like, “heyyyy just a heads up… I would LOVE if we could have sex like sometime in the next 24 hours!” Then, instead of choosing to do laundry during nap-time I could workout, write or do something that really “mentally prepared me” for sex and made me more excited for it.
Educate- Nobody wants to do something we feel like we aren’t good at. For me, the book Sheet Music helped me learn all the dirty details of a meaningful and healthy sex relationship.
Connect- Given what we know about deep conversations and how it releases oxytocin in a woman’s brain. Try to take the time before sex to catch up. Chat about life. Share our struggles or what’s been on your mind lately. Not only will this deep convo give you that surge of oxytocin making you feel extra close to your spouse, it will also help you to release stress and focus on and ENJOY sex. If words/conversations don’t make you feel connected to your partner, try to let your spouse know what DOES make you feel connected (acts of service, non-sexual touch, gifts, quality time, etc.) that way they can intentionally do those things not just leading up to sex but ALL the time. One of the biggest reasons that sex lives deteriorate is because we stop paying attention to one another. Find ways to show your partner you are into them and tell them ways that you want them to do this for you!
Talk it out- communication is an important part of all aspects of the marriage relationship, INCLUDING sex. And while communicating to your partner what you do (and don’t) like can feel weird at first, it will help when it comes to finding sex satisfying down the road. If you decide to take this route, steer clear of criticism and instead really emphasize what you really love that they do.
Schedule it- Here’s the deal, i’m not saying you have a designated date and time that you have sex every week. I’m saying that you sit down and take an honest look at how much time you devote to other things in your life and how much time you have devoted to your marriage relationship. Then, try to create space for when you can make time for sex and i’m not talking about reclaiming space on your calendar for sex but also in your head!
Therapy- if things like body image issues, deep conflict, broken trust, wounds from sexual trauma, or physical pain are a part of your sex life. I encourage you to seek the help of your doctor or visit a therapist. You are not weird or abnormal for needing help. As someone who suffered sexual abuse and severe body image issues I can tell you that healing is possible, sex CAN be fun!